Diamonds

Those small little sparkling things refracted light like nothing else on this earth. Not that she liked wearing them. She wanted to get them all for her mom. Every possible shining thing on this earth, not just diamonds. Time flew and she was not even close. “Stay at it, perseverance and patience can mine diamonds from coal”, she was told. She did.

Renunciation

A plethora of thoughts rushing and imaginations of what the next day would be like, as Naval slept on his bed for the last night in the next eight months. His body was showing all signs of anxiety. Akshay, Naval’s younger brother was trying his best to pacify him. Naval was too petrified to leave his brother and mother back home, alone for eight whole months. Ever since their father left the house, Naval felt the unusual gravity pulling him home.

Akshay and Naval’s father Vinod was a religious man and was into rituals and superstitions. With growing age, his inclination towards rumination grew. He always said that he would renounce all earthly desires and go in search of inner tranquility. Sheela, his wife would laugh it off saying that they as it is they did not have a lot of material pleasures. They lived in a humble home on the outskirts of the city and gave their children best possible upbringing that they could afford. She assured him that he would find true happiness in fulfilling his duties. But when both their children grew up, Vinod could no longer stay, he announced that we would be leaving, would abandon all relations and pleasures and go in pursuit for the true self. Soon he was gone.

Naval was a merchant navy cadet. He had just completed his studies and had to go for his first sail. In usual circumstances this would have been the biggest day for him, but now with the additional worries clouding his mind, he could neither go nor not go.

Naval, woke up early, and sat on the window sill, facing the fence. He watched the emptiness of the dawn. It was neither night nor day, viz-a-viz his state of mind. Contrasting, conflicting thoughts, neither happy nor sad - Blank and empy.  Sheela could feel the turmoil troubling her son. She chose to hide her moist eyes in the dampness of the dawn. Sheela was a strong lady, unmoved and calm. Her wide forehead, never showed a single line of distress. No one in the house ever spoke of the unwanted episode. Today, Sheela broke her silence. “I am happy he left. He always wanted to go. And I am happy that u are going too, for I want you to”, she spoke in a composed tone, “ he never had his strings attached here, he was meant to go, its not that I liked, I never told you before. He loved you both but his unheard remoteness troubled me more than anything on this earth. He was a good father till the time he was here. But he could never give me what I wanted. I wish I could make him happy, but nothing could have stopped him. I kept on waiting till the time we could stop him, but now its more peaceful. I don’t wake up each morning with a worry to stop him, I hope he is happy although there is no other joy than to stay blessed and watch your children grow. I get that happiness but none other. I have wept for countless nights, never in front of him. ” Now she could no more hold her tears, Naval wept with her. He never knew this side of his mother. He wished his father did not leave him, he could not understand why he had to leave. Today he did. There was no more self pity, no more sorrow, just acceptance and realization. She spoke again, “I am happy now.” The undercurrent had surfaced; Something that was never understood. “I want you to go and find for yourself what you want, without withholding you back, for nothing would change in these 8 months. You have to fulfill the emptiness that has been residing in this house forever.”

With a nimble movement she put her hand on his head, clouds cleared. Dampness gave way to sunshine. Naval smiled. Kissed his mother on the forehead, she smiled too. Sheela, kept the tea to boil, it smelled great. Akshay entered the room, for the first time he woke up to the sound of giggles in the house. He could feel the wave of composure; he smiled and gave his brother a pat on the back.

"See You Soon"

Au Revoir


And the last morning rush, maa running around in the house , packing up stuff for me and by stuff I mean all eatables. She practically packs everything she thinks I can take along. I remember once my bag was unusually heavy. Why? Because maa had packed 5 kg apples. Not that one does not get apples everywhere but because she knew I would never make the efforts to go and buy. Mothers will always be mothers. And dad will keep asking me the checklist whether I had signed all the important documents, if I needed anything more etc etc. And it would only occur to him on the last day of my holiday that he had some problem with his phone or computer which he would want me to check. Sweet of him to think that I have excellent technical skills. In the middle of all this it suddenly occurs to me that I will have to leave yet another time. For yet another long stretch of being away. Although now being away from home is not tuff at all, but the moment of farewell, has always been tuff. Not knowing when would you be back home. In this moment of weakness I usually rush to my bathroom, for some lone time, so that I can cry my heart out softly and not trouble my already disheartened parents.
It’s a two minute ride from my home to the station. Suddenly I wish it was twenty minutes , its rare that papa drives slow but he did, simultaneously bringing in all the advices that he has to offer to me. The station is here, I have to get my stuff off from the dickey, yet again the thought of leaving gives a quick cold swoosh in the mind. But it has always been like that. Remembering to hand over the keys to my mom in case I don’t make them travel with me all the way. Checking the back pocket for the printout of the ticket again makes me happy. Sure I have forgot a lot of stuff back home, maybe my toothbrush ,maybe my mobile charger that I have been collecting from every place I go. But who really cares about the forgotten toothbrush, heck, you always get to buy the latest then, it’s the feeling : the guilt, That grips me. Clueless to all the emotions I act naïve, come in with 100% of my humour to save my day and leash my feelings. I can’t cry, why would I, Its so uncool to cry.
I feel guilty as if I am doing something wrong, the wrong is by not being there with my parents as they go to the other side of fifties, it’s not getting scolded by maa for those silly things that I do all the time, its not getting those hot cooked roti’s I always took for granted when young, Its for dad not being there to take care, Now I know what is that feeling , I can’t be called greedy when I want to be there when that cuckoo greets the morning with a song at five every morning on the adjacent tree adjacent to my house. I want to wake up just to listen to my mom splashing water in lawn she tenderly grew up. I want to be back to the place where I get late for school just because I’m completing the unfinished homework that’s going to throw me out of the class yet again. I really want all that when I am leaving for work. Since when did all this add up in the priority list??
The train stops only two minutes at this station. It’s not a junction. Every time I try and find a reason for this guilt that takes me in, just to occupy myself on the way, so I am tired enough, I only have to sleep to wake up in the city of my college, or for this time the city where I have to go to work! I leave with a strengthened promise to be back for good. And I really mean it every-time.