Au Revoir
And the last morning rush, maa running around in the house , packing up stuff for me and by stuff I mean all eatables. She practically packs everything she thinks I can take along. I remember once my bag was unusually heavy. Why? Because maa had packed 5 kg apples. Not that one does not get apples everywhere but because she knew I would never make the efforts to go and buy. Mothers will always be mothers. And dad will keep asking me the checklist whether I had signed all the important documents, if I needed anything more etc etc. And it would only occur to him on the last day of my holiday that he had some problem with his phone or computer which he would want me to check. Sweet of him to think that I have excellent technical skills. In the middle of all this it suddenly occurs to me that I will have to leave yet another time. For yet another long stretch of being away. Although now being away from home is not tuff at all, but the moment of farewell, has always been tuff. Not knowing when would you be back home. In this moment of weakness I usually rush to my bathroom, for some lone time, so that I can cry my heart out softly and not trouble my already disheartened parents.
It’s a two minute ride from my home to the station. Suddenly I wish it was twenty minutes , its rare that papa drives slow but he did, simultaneously bringing in all the advices that he has to offer to me. The station is here, I have to get my stuff off from the dickey, yet again the thought of leaving gives a quick cold swoosh in the mind. But it has always been like that. Remembering to hand over the keys to my mom in case I don’t make them travel with me all the way. Checking the back pocket for the printout of the ticket again makes me happy. Sure I have forgot a lot of stuff back home, maybe my toothbrush ,maybe my mobile charger that I have been collecting from every place I go. But who really cares about the forgotten toothbrush, heck, you always get to buy the latest then, it’s the feeling : the guilt, That grips me. Clueless to all the emotions I act naïve, come in with 100% of my humour to save my day and leash my feelings. I can’t cry, why would I, Its so uncool to cry.
I feel guilty as if I am doing something wrong, the wrong is by not being there with my parents as they go to the other side of fifties, it’s not getting scolded by maa for those silly things that I do all the time, its not getting those hot cooked roti’s I always took for granted when young, Its for dad not being there to take care, Now I know what is that feeling , I can’t be called greedy when I want to be there when that cuckoo greets the morning with a song at five every morning on the adjacent tree adjacent to my house. I want to wake up just to listen to my mom splashing water in lawn she tenderly grew up. I want to be back to the place where I get late for school just because I’m completing the unfinished homework that’s going to throw me out of the class yet again. I really want all that when I am leaving for work. Since when did all this add up in the priority list??
The train stops only two minutes at this station. It’s not a junction. Every time I try and find a reason for this guilt that takes me in, just to occupy myself on the way, so I am tired enough, I only have to sleep to wake up in the city of my college, or for this time the city where I have to go to work! I leave with a strengthened promise to be back for good. And I really mean it every-time.
