Renunciation

A plethora of thoughts rushing and imaginations of what the next day would be like, as Naval slept on his bed for the last night in the next eight months. His body was showing all signs of anxiety. Akshay, Naval’s younger brother was trying his best to pacify him. Naval was too petrified to leave his brother and mother back home, alone for eight whole months. Ever since their father left the house, Naval felt the unusual gravity pulling him home.

Akshay and Naval’s father Vinod was a religious man and was into rituals and superstitions. With growing age, his inclination towards rumination grew. He always said that he would renounce all earthly desires and go in search of inner tranquility. Sheela, his wife would laugh it off saying that they as it is they did not have a lot of material pleasures. They lived in a humble home on the outskirts of the city and gave their children best possible upbringing that they could afford. She assured him that he would find true happiness in fulfilling his duties. But when both their children grew up, Vinod could no longer stay, he announced that we would be leaving, would abandon all relations and pleasures and go in pursuit for the true self. Soon he was gone.

Naval was a merchant navy cadet. He had just completed his studies and had to go for his first sail. In usual circumstances this would have been the biggest day for him, but now with the additional worries clouding his mind, he could neither go nor not go.

Naval, woke up early, and sat on the window sill, facing the fence. He watched the emptiness of the dawn. It was neither night nor day, viz-a-viz his state of mind. Contrasting, conflicting thoughts, neither happy nor sad - Blank and empy.  Sheela could feel the turmoil troubling her son. She chose to hide her moist eyes in the dampness of the dawn. Sheela was a strong lady, unmoved and calm. Her wide forehead, never showed a single line of distress. No one in the house ever spoke of the unwanted episode. Today, Sheela broke her silence. “I am happy he left. He always wanted to go. And I am happy that u are going too, for I want you to”, she spoke in a composed tone, “ he never had his strings attached here, he was meant to go, its not that I liked, I never told you before. He loved you both but his unheard remoteness troubled me more than anything on this earth. He was a good father till the time he was here. But he could never give me what I wanted. I wish I could make him happy, but nothing could have stopped him. I kept on waiting till the time we could stop him, but now its more peaceful. I don’t wake up each morning with a worry to stop him, I hope he is happy although there is no other joy than to stay blessed and watch your children grow. I get that happiness but none other. I have wept for countless nights, never in front of him. ” Now she could no more hold her tears, Naval wept with her. He never knew this side of his mother. He wished his father did not leave him, he could not understand why he had to leave. Today he did. There was no more self pity, no more sorrow, just acceptance and realization. She spoke again, “I am happy now.” The undercurrent had surfaced; Something that was never understood. “I want you to go and find for yourself what you want, without withholding you back, for nothing would change in these 8 months. You have to fulfill the emptiness that has been residing in this house forever.”

With a nimble movement she put her hand on his head, clouds cleared. Dampness gave way to sunshine. Naval smiled. Kissed his mother on the forehead, she smiled too. Sheela, kept the tea to boil, it smelled great. Akshay entered the room, for the first time he woke up to the sound of giggles in the house. He could feel the wave of composure; he smiled and gave his brother a pat on the back.